Hello, it has been a while since I updated this blog. This is a really personal piece, so I hope that I could share my experiences and help those that have a similar circumstance like me to make something out of their own.
As I am currently working at Skipping Stones, I hope that in the future I could put some of my work there or repost some of my favorite pieces here for reference on my blog. Until then, I’ll keep working hard!
I have came to a lot of realization this past few days. It is amazing how reflecting on myself could help me understand myself so much better. I have realized that the things that hurt me the most is what actually makes me so much stronger.
I have a brother, who is handicapped since he was born. When I was a child, I used to envy him, because he would get all of the attentions from my parents and my other relatives. I still remember when I was young, my mother would often cry because of my brother, and I hated him for that. But how ridiculous could a child be, hating on someone who couldn’t even speak for themselves. Not until when I grew older that I knew how childish I was, and I sometimes laugh at myself for that.
However, as I came to the world and people ask me about myself, I would often emit the part “I have a brother, he’s handicapped.” self-introduction. What’s worth mentioning him anyways, so that people would only pity me? For a while I have been telling people, that I am “technically” the only child in my house, because my brother is just “an existence that is just existing”. I regretted so much for have ever thought of him that way.
I made a trip back to my home country last year, and stayed there for 3 weeks with my family. While being at home, I spent time taking care of my brother and talking to him, even though he couldn’t understand me. However, as I looked at him, and seeing him smiled at me, with love in his eyes and his pure and innocent smile, I realized how stupid I was. HE was the reason I went to study abroad in the first place, for better education, for a better job and future, so that I could take care of him when my parents no longer could. HE was the reason I am as strong as I am now, because I understood my mother’s tears, how mentally devastating and isolating it is to have an unwanted child in a society where a person like my brother is useless because he cannot contribute to the community. I would get pitiful eyes, people asking me questions, and showing me sympathy. But then I realized, that they couldn’t understand how it feels like to have a handicapped brother, to care for him, to see him grow older but still resembles a child, to desperately wish that I could have a normal brother, someone who would share my thoughts and what happened in my life, how envious and lonely I was when I saw people with their siblings and when they cared for each others.
It took me 19 years to realize that something I wanted to hide from myself was actually the most important thing that keeps me going and working hard and trying my best all these years. However there is no time for regret. My brother is disabled, and because of him, I am the most capable human being that I could be. My brother is handicapped, and I am proud to be his little sister. When I am successful in the future, I hope that one day I could look back in say : “This is for you, brother.”